Tigers and Horses and Drugs Oh My!
by abrainiac
Summary: Basically, a few awesome people get super high. Oh, and the hilarity ensues. This is a story that left me with a lot of questionable browser history... rated for language.


(A/N): This... this scares me. It's magical. It's... yeah. It required a lot of internet research that left me with some pretty incriminating computer history! Just... have fun with it... and remember that I have no experience (so this is probably insanely inaccurate. WARNING: DRUG USE!

Disclaimer: I'd rather 69 a grizzly bear than own Glee! Not really, but I still don't own it. (My friend told me that recently - not about Glee, just about how he'd rather 69 a grizzly bear... *facepalm*)

* * *

"You sure?" I questioned skeptically, eyeing the bag in his hand.

"Hummel, I'm as sure as I am that dead men don't breathe," Puck said, rolling his eyes. When I still looked apprehensive, he groaned. "Dude, seriously. Just once. No harm. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. And if it does… you've found your way out,"

I sighed, holding out my money.

"Fine, Puckermann. But you're doing it with me," I groaned in exasperation.

"Awesome; who am I to turn down some free powder?" He grinned.

"Alright, just… show me how it's done, okay?" I said pathetically, sliding down the brick wall. We were standing out back of the auditorium; best place for a drug deal.

"No problem, princess," He sat down next to me, putting the bag in between us.

He started explaining the mechanics, and I felt sick to my stomach. Was I really going to do this to my dad? Was I really going to risk my entire future? Apparently, I was. I was going to because it came with escape.

Puck went first, then talked my through my first hit. I leaned my head back against the wall and waited. Time went all blurry, and I couldn't tell how long I'd been sitting.

I turned my head and looked at Puck lazily.

"You have hair… did you know that?" I asked Puck suddenly. "It's just… all right there. In the middle. Right there. Right…" I reached out, touching his head. "There!" I broke down, giggling.

"Woah, Hummel. You took that well. How you feeling?" Puck asked, and I just laughed.

"You talk funny. Your words are all, like… in a sentence!" He looked at me funny. "I feel gre-e-e-eat! Like Tony the Fucking Tiger!"

Puck took another hit, and started laughing.

"Yeah. I bet that you could, like, growl at me. Like a tiger! And then, we could eat that awesome cereal, and play sports. 'Cause that's what those kids do. And that tiger is so… orange!"

"The orange _totally_ clashes with the blue box. It's so gross. It's all like, 'hey, marketers, grow a brain, will you?' You know what I mean?" Puck shook his head. "Oh, that's cool, too… you're my bestest buddy!" I announced.

"I am? Awesome! I have a gay best friend," he looked on in wonder.

"A _horny, _gay best friend," I corrected him seriously.

"Really? That is _sooooooooooooo_ funny! Because I'm horny too! See?" He pointed at his crotch.

"Woah! You're huge! Are you sure you aren't a horse?" I looked at his suspiciously.

"NO! Well… at least… I don't _think_ so…" He looked concerned.

"Well, you know what?"

"What?"

"Horses can't kiss. Do you want to see if you're a horse?" I was really worried about my bestest buddy. I swear. That was all.

"But… there's no one to kiss!" He started looking around.

I started looking, too.

We both started looking. We were walking around, bumping into things. It was fun.

"Well… innocent until proven guilty!" I announced once we reached the locker rooms. "So you're innocent of being a human, and guilty of being a horse!" I yelled.

"Oh no! I'm a horse! I'M A HORSE!" He yelled. "Woah, echo! ECHO!"

"Bad horsey!" I yelled, hitting him on his hairy head. "Down! Horses don't yell! They also don't stand on two feet-hooves-thingies!"

"Neeeeee!" He said, getting on all fours! "Neeeee!"

"It's 'naaaaay', not 'neeee'! Dumbshit! Bad pony!"

And I sat on him. Yup. I sat on my pony.

"Hey, pony-horsey-puckzilla! Imma name you !"

"Yay! Neeeee!"

"Shut up!" I swatted him. Right on the behind. He started walking.

And I fell. But not before I grabbed him.

He fell on top of me.

"Woah, you're heavy!"

"And you're hot!" He said suddenly.

And he started kissing me. He was a good kisser. It was all like… ouch. You know? He kept on biting me. I didn't really like it. But I didn't care. Because he was a boy. And he was all manly-smelling.

But _damn_. He was heavy.

I pushed him off, and I rolled over on top of him. I put my hand on his crotch.

"Woah, you _are_ a horse!" I went back to kissing him. He was hot.

Then I remembered another dude kissing me. A really ugly, really fat, really mean guy kissing me.

Right there, in that same locker room. Except, we were standing before. But it was lip-rape. And now, I was gay-raping Puck.

I jumped up. I looked at him. He had new hickeys. Woah, did I do that? They're all… red. And pretty. And I wanted to touch them.

So I ran away.

* * *

(A/N) Well, that was... different. Appleinn4 prompted me with the word 'Cocoa,' and, somehow in my twisted head, I got around to Cocaine. Yeah, I'm weird. I just had to add the little makeout session in the end for the sake of Shere'Lifsil, who is always telling me how much she ships Puckurt... so... if you're reading this, I hope you liked it!

Reviews are like... like some sort of shiny, reviewy thing! They make me eat rainbows and poop butterflies!


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